It was both an outlandish idea and, to him, a totally rational one. He would poke around on the internet and read about other couples’ arrangements. It was not as if she and Daniel never had sex, but when they did, Daniel often felt lonely in his desire for something more - not necessarily exotic sex but sex in which both partners cared about it, and cared about each other, with one of those interests fueling the other.Įlizabeth, baffled by Daniel’s disappointment, wondered: How great does sex have to be for a person to be happy? Daniel wondered: Don’t I have the right to care this much about sex, about intimacy? Occasionally, when he decided the answer was yes, and he felt some vital part of himself dwindling, Daniel would think about a radical possibility: opening up their marriage to other relationships. She thought hers was the normal response: She was raised by strict Catholics, she would tell Daniel, as if that explained it, and she never saw her own parents hold hands, much less kiss. Daniel liked sex, and not long after they were married, it became clear that Elizabeth’s interest in it had cooled. They had, by all appearances, a happy marriage.īut as with any happy marriage, there were frustrations. He was relieved to find, as the years passed, that he still loved his wife - they kissed hello each time they reunited, they made each other laugh and he was someone inclined to appreciate what he had. But Daniel is a softhearted bear of a man, affectionate and affection-seeking, someone who entered marriage expecting, if not everlasting passion, at least an enduring physical connection. He and Elizabeth might not tell the story of that ring, with all its obvious metaphorical meaning, as readily as they do if Daniel were, in fact, ambivalent about marriage, so resentful of its boundaries that he found its most potent symbol too toxic to bear. A month into the marriage, he took it off and never got around to replacing it. He started to think of the ring as if it were radioactive, an object burning holes in his flesh. As if in revolt, his finger grew red and raw, beneath the circle of metal. He was happy with the ring, and what it represented, until it became obvious after the wedding that he was allergic to the nickel that was mixed in with the gold in the band. Daniel, then a 27-year-old who worked in information technology, decided to design one himself, requesting that tiny stones be placed in a gold band, like planets orbiting in a solar system. Please be aware there may be a short delay in comments appearing on the site.When Daniel and Elizabeth married in 1993, they found it was easy enough to choose a ring for her, but there were far fewer choices for him. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms.Ĭomments on this piece are premoderated to ensure discussion remains on topics raised by the writer. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to (please don’t send attachments). Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders. Then again, how do you know you desire sex more often than she does? She just might want the best of both worlds. If their partner fails to compensate manually or orally, and if they are shy about explaining their needs or self-stimulating during intercourse, many will resort to private masturbation. Many woman cannot climax through intercourse alone – the clitoris is not sufficiently engaged. If your normal modus operandi is to focus on intercourse without paying enough attention to her clitoris, it would be understandable if she has chosen to provide herself with supplementary pleasure with guaranteed orgasms. Your wife’s vibrator may be used largely to stimulate her clitoris – the female centre of pleasure. Many men feel threatened by a woman’s vibrator use because they assume it is a replacement penis – which is often untrue. It could be useful to try to discuss with her the technical aspects of her self-pleasuring. When we try talking about it, she gets very defensive and denies doing it or needing it. We’re both over 50, make good money, have a good, communicative relationship (except about sex) and love each other. I just don’t understand why she doesn’t want me as much as she wants her vibrator. We have used it together and, when we do, the sex is great, but I desire more sex than she does.
But, when she does, it seems there is nothing left for me. My wife regularly uses her vibrator when I’m not around.